Becoming An Expert On Grieving

We've just lost another baby.

Last week, I was entering second trimester.
Tonight, I had two beers.
I had two beers because I am no longer carrying the baby.
Tonight, the baby rests peacefully in a pot near my back door.

After the miscarriage last November, we waited to try again. I was still nursing my youngest and taking birth control, but we got pregnant anyway. I won't lie. I was beside myself with joy. And worry. After three successful pregnancies I'd have never thought we would miscarry. Last November really gave us a reality check. Nothing is certain.

After several blood tests to confirm, we were definitely pregnant. I was around two weeks when we found out. Thinking this would be our last child, I was so grateful for finding out so soon. That way I could soak up every last detail of my final pregnancy. We had our first ultrasound at seven weeks. The heartbeat was perfect. Everything looked exactly as it should. I just knew, if we saw the heartbeat, we were definitely having this baby. Home birth plans were in the works. I even started a quilt.

I started spotting at 12 weeks. This has happened during all of my pregnancies so we tried not to worry. I called my midwife. She agreed. Might be nothing. If it would make me feel better, why not come in and listen to the heartbeat on Friday.
I waited.
I worried.
She ended up attending a birth that Friday.
My spotting turned into passing tissue. She sent me to have an ultrasound done without her.
The ultrasound confirmed our fears.
The baby had no heartbeat.

I wanted to deliver this baby at home. Naturally and unassisted. It didn't happen. A week passed with no change in my cervix but I continued to lose blood. I needed a D&C. My doctor made sure the baby would be returned to us so we could bury him/her as we saw fit.
We will never know the gender. The doctor was able to remove the baby, and the sac, all completely intact. We left "baby" in the sac, as it was his/her only home for the entirety of it's (much too short) life.

 Now, blooming purple shamrocks grow above where our baby lay.