“Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind.”

- Buddha

Envious.  

In this grief journey, envy has by far become the most difficult emotion to move beyond.  The growing bellies of friends and strangers can send me into a fog of jealousy so thick I can hardly see anything else.  I am attempting to practice lovingkindness meditation to ground myself and my thoughts, but I continually give in to the sadness.  I'm trying to prepare myself for not having any more children.  We may or may not try again in the future and my heart needs to be ready for that.  I keep thinking the more I tell myself I'm at peace with the possibility that my birthing days are behind me, I can will it into existence.  I'm struggling with the idea that the baby I long for might just be my hearts way of replacing the pain of our previous losses.  I know that will not be the case.  Those lost will remain lost and no addition will remove that ache, although I cannot help but feel it would lessen it.