Monday I thought I had a miscarriage. We didn't even know we were pregnant. I was told to take a home pregnancy test to see if it was a miscarriage or some dysfunctional bleeding that would require me to make an appointment to investigate the following day. The test was positive. I was certain I had lost the baby.
Tuesday they drew blood to see where my hormone levels were and then again on Thursday to make sure those levels were dropping. The wait wasn't painful this time. I didn't even realize I was pregnant. Finding that out at the same time of losing it was more shocking than anything. I was scared though. What is happening to me? Surely we should stop trying at this point. Three consecutive losses?
The children and I went to have lunch with my husband on Thursday after my final blood draw. It was terribly sad that Thursday would be the day I would wake up with pregnancy symptoms. I know from the past several miscarriages that this is probably just my body trying to normalize as my HCG levels drop. I joked with him how sad it is to have to endure first trimester nausea and exhaustion so many times without getting the baby at the end. My doctor had promised me a phone call that afternoon to put our minds at ease. I was listening to Adventures In Solitude (The New Pornographers). The chorus of that song says, "We thought we lost you. We thought we lost you. We thought we lost you. Welcome back." I cried a little. I was thinking of how wonderful it would be to have the doctor call and say the baby made it. That what I lost monday was nothing more than some old blood clots.
The lab results showed my hormone levels were not dropping. They were climbing. They would like for me to come in, right away, and have an internal ultrasound. I'm still playing the realist. I also know that if your miscarriage is incomplete, your hormone levels will continue to rise. I wanted to cry because I thought that meant I would need a D&C to remove any remaining tissue. It was bad enough to think the pregnancy had ended before I knew about the baby, but now I have to endure the surgery. Again. The kids and I made our way to radiology to see (what I was certain would be) an empty womb. Only it wasn't. There was a heartbeat. A strong heartbeat. I can't explain what it was I lost monday that had me so convinced I had a miscarriage. The doctor suggested it could have been a twin. I don't know, but our baby has a heartbeat. I'm 6 weeks. Probably due in mid January. The doctor said the gestational sac looks thin and misshapen. They feel I will still miscarry. I'm still playing the realist. I understand we will likely lose this baby as well, but for today, our baby has a heartbeat.
